That's my mom.
Nov 9, 2009
I need to write. To vent. Greg has my journal (still), so this is my venue. I'm feeling the uncomfortable, unwelcome, yet familiar feeling of dissonance. Its a feeling that I've found creeps up on you like a New England winter. One day, you're happy as a clam and everything is going fine, then, in both small pieces and all of a sudden, it hits you. Sometimes its just a result of being completely overwhelmed by school, relationships, life in general. Sometimes its because things aren't going according to plan. Sometimes its because there's just not enough time in the day. Right now, for me, its a mixture of the fact that I have 3 exams in the next 48 hours, none of which I feel particularly prepared for, and the fact that small revelations seem to keep popping up and rearing their surprising little heads.
Exhibit A would be the good possibility that I'll be graduating a semester early. Yep, who would have thought? I change my major halfway through school and still manage to graduated early. Humph. This certainly has its perks, most exciting being the fact that it would save me around $10,000. However, the thought of leaving Gordon earlier than expected, having my life start in just over a year, having to figure out what I'm going to do with myself, and finally having to actually face tuition loans makes me start to hyperventilate. And it feels a lot like my parents are trying to let me figure it out on my own, or grow up or something, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. Meanwhile, its constantly on my mind. I'm continuously re-crunching the numbers....will it work out credit-wise? Yes. Financially is it really worth it? Yes.
And then there's always the added factor of grad school. Changing my major has probably been one of the best decisions I've made in my time at Gordon, but its also opened up so many more options and I don't know if I'm ready to make those decisions. Either way, I'll only be 21 when I'm done with my undergrad work and I can't help but feel that that's entirely too young to commit to a career or a graduate degree. I feel like I'm missing some great life experience. I want to do something before I saddle myself with a 9-5. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I feel like there's so much out there and if I go right to grad school, will I regret not exploring other options?
This is one of those times when I really wish I could be five again and my biggest problem was getting the Chicken pox during the week of kindergarten when we flew kites and played with hoses.
Nov 2, 2009
I've got some big news. And pretty exciting news, too, if you ask me. News that I remember from time to time and it warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. News that I've been waiting to be able to tell for years.
I'm going to Africa. Zimbabwe, to be exact. In May, with a team from GT and a team from Calvary Christian Church in Lynnfield, Mass. Zimbabwe. The continent of Africa, with all of its pain and joy, its drought and famine, and its beautiful people, is a place that has been on my heart for a long time, and I've been hoping for the opportunity to go. The opportunity has presented itself, and in many ways, I believe that God has affirmed it, and I'm taking one giant leap of faith and going. My grandmother and aunt are already worrying, I know. And to be honest, I'm a little scared myself. The prospect of leaving the safe and familiar confines of the states to explore a world so very different from that which I know is daunting, but I'm also filled with wonder and awe at the opportunity that God has so graciously placed in my lap.
On the way to grocery shop for our house tonight, my friend Cassie looked at me and said, "have you thought about how you're going to spend your summer?" I found this to be a strange question, because a) its only November and b) she said it like I was supposed to be thinking about it already. And then it hit me. This will be my last summer. When I come back to Gordon next fall, I'll be a senior, preparing for graduation, and then, in May 2011, I'll have to start really figuring out my future. This is it. The last hurrah, in a way. My whole life has been defined by school and summer and soon, it'll all be over. So, as of two hours ago, other than going to Africa and taking a bio class, I hadn't thought about my summer, but now just the thought of it gets my intestines in a bunch. Oh man. I'm growing up.