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Oct 11, 2012

growth and where i was a year ago...


the other day, I was reading old blog posts.
do you ever do that?  you start looking for a specific thing and then somehow you're swept into the past, reading things you forgot you posted.
and all of a sudden it hit me, i'm such a different person than i was a year ago.
a different person than when i wrote this.  or this.  or this.
but there are still some things that are the same.  like my thoughts on hope.

a year ago, i was in the midst of heartbreak.  maybe you've been there: you've invested in a relationship (in this case, yes, it was a boy) and then things suddenly, without much explanation, crumbled.  honestly, it was my first time in that place.  the place of being confused and not understanding what happened and being just sad and discontented and angry.  i was angry.

i wrote vague blog posts, vented to friends who were states away, and cried on my mom's bed. somewhere along the way i decided to be angry at God, and so i stopped praying and seeking His comfort and started asking questions like "haven't You been preparing me for a relationship?" and "what did i do wrong?" and "wasn't 21 years of singleness enough?"

i let the situation marinate and eat at me for far too long.  and then, sometime around christmas, i stopped and got over it.  of course, it wasn't that easy.  but essentially, i realized that i had spent too much time on a relationship that a) God was clearly leading me away from and b) wasn't all that good or healthy to begin with.

and then, when i least expected it, God answered all of those prayers and fulfilled the desires of my heart. aj and i started hanging out on a regular basis at the start of the new year and somehow without me noticing, he crept into my heart and became one of my closest friends, and eventually, we recognized that our feelings for one another had grown beyond friendship.  and i realized that God was preparing me for a relationship, but i had just been looking at the wrong person for that.  and when the right person came along, it was so much better than i ever even imagined.

there's such a beauty to looking back and realizing how much can change in a year.  to recognizing the mistakes you made and deciding to grow from them.  to not regretting, but learning.  to being grateful and hopeful and content.  to understanding what it means to put someone else's needs before your own and to delight in doing so.  and to approaching the good and the inevitable bad with a gracious spirit, not that i've perfected that by any means, but i'm learning.

and learning is part of the beauty of life.

7 comments:

  1. oh sweetheart, 21 years of singleness isn't that long haha

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  2. what an honest post. I too look at old posts and think about how much I have changed. I think that is one reason I started blogging in the first place. My post in the past were more vague and about just what I did instead of my heart.

    I am glad that God has answered your prayers and the longings of your heart. He does know how to heal us from heartache (of any kind) if we let him in.

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  3. I JUST posted a blog post about letting go and how important it is, how it frees you emotionally and allows you to move on! It's just such an important thing to learn to let go and move on. It's probably the most helpful thing I've learned in life - in terms of keeping myself emotionally healthy anyway ;) Hahaha

    xo
    http://kittysnooks.blogspot.ca/

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  4. beautiful. it is so true. isn't that why we keep journals? blog? to see where we have been? to not forget? to leave something that will last?

    we can grow so much by seeing how far we have come!

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  5. One...you are absolutely adorable and so is your blog!! I'm so glad that you commented on my post so that I could find yours!!! Two...this is a beautiful post. So open and honest. I love it. Thanks for sharing!

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  6. what a heartfelt post. i'm so happy for you :) it's wonderful to look back and see how much you have changed and much God has blessed your life in just a short year's span. i, too, have seen a lot of change this year, and i'm so thankful for what God is doing in my life. i'm sure he has some more remarkable plans up his sleeve for the both of us! ;) so glad i found your blog. already added your button to my own :)

    xo,
    kristyn

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  7. I appreciate your profound and sincere expression of your thoughts here. Lovely.

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