Oct 11, 2012
growth and where i was a year ago...
the other day, I was reading old blog posts.
do you ever do that? you start looking for a specific thing and then somehow you're swept into the past, reading things you forgot you posted.
and all of a sudden it hit me, i'm such a different person than i was a year ago.
a different person than when i wrote this. or this. or this.
but there are still some things that are the same. like my thoughts on hope.
a year ago, i was in the midst of heartbreak. maybe you've been there: you've invested in a relationship (in this case, yes, it was a boy) and then things suddenly, without much explanation, crumbled. honestly, it was my first time in that place. the place of being confused and not understanding what happened and being just sad and discontented and angry. i was angry.
i wrote vague blog posts, vented to friends who were states away, and cried on my mom's bed. somewhere along the way i decided to be angry at God, and so i stopped praying and seeking His comfort and started asking questions like "haven't You been preparing me for a relationship?" and "what did i do wrong?" and "wasn't 21 years of singleness enough?"
i let the situation marinate and eat at me for far too long. and then, sometime around christmas, i stopped and got over it. of course, it wasn't that easy. but essentially, i realized that i had spent too much time on a relationship that a) God was clearly leading me away from and b) wasn't all that good or healthy to begin with.
and then, when i least expected it, God answered all of those prayers and fulfilled the desires of my heart. aj and i started hanging out on a regular basis at the start of the new year and somehow without me noticing, he crept into my heart and became one of my closest friends, and eventually, we recognized that our feelings for one another had grown beyond friendship. and i realized that God was preparing me for a relationship, but i had just been looking at the wrong person for that. and when the right person came along, it was so much better than i ever even imagined.
there's such a beauty to looking back and realizing how much can change in a year. to recognizing the mistakes you made and deciding to grow from them. to not regretting, but learning. to being grateful and hopeful and content. to understanding what it means to put someone else's needs before your own and to delight in doing so. and to approaching the good and the inevitable bad with a gracious spirit, not that i've perfected that by any means, but i'm learning.
and learning is part of the beauty of life.